Sunday, June 29, 2008

this is how the world ends

(for MySpace) Not with a bang, but a whimper. . . Google announces social networking. This is probably old news to some of you . . . . from the article:
This is actually the Maka-Maka project revealed last year in a confidential Google video that has been accidentally published. "The new central place for social activities will create feeds for all or your events (activity streams) and share them with your contacts," I mentioned in that post.
This is very interesting for a couple of reasons.
  1. Creating a social network requires a vector - there has to be a method for getting large numbers of people to sign up for this service to get to critical mass. My FaceBook account is much more bare-bones than my MySpace account because I only have so much time in the day. I'm not keeping all of them together. But now? On the Google Social Network I'm:
    • already blogging here
    • running 2 e-mail accounts
    • YouTubin'
    • Using Google Reader
    • Using Google Maps
    • Using, well, Google
    Google has multiple vectors for users to say "why not update this, it's linked to all that stuff anyway". Google is probably the most ridiculously large vector there is. Which brings us to point two:
  2. Switching costs are becoming a real problem. Take my life for example. What if Google decided they were going to Be Evil? Well, More Evil than I can stomach. This involves a serious reworking of most of my life. Google's got me by the short ones. I figure that's OK for now; it was going to either be them or Apple.

Friday, June 27, 2008

on a steel horse I ride

Review of Wanted

I don't know if the above is a good or bad review. I'll tell you that it's the exact thing I thought when I saw the previews for Wanted. . . all borrowed stuff.

I haven't seen the movie so I can't really comment on it, but this review confirmed why I was planning on missing it in the first place - I loved it when it was called The Matrix.
Speaking of the Matrix - I'm probably the last to know about this rumor, but apparently they're not the Wachowski brothers any more because one became a woman.
This has been vehemently denied, but I say they have to prove us wrong by showing his penis live on the air at the Super Bowl.

Otherwise, there will always be rumors. And you know what they say about Rumors.
It was a great album, but really split the band apart.
Do we want the same thing to happen to the W Bros?
Show the dong, prove us wrong.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

it's gettin' hot in here

something something something

It's something like 85 degrees and 100% humidity in the house right now.
I'm still wearing pants for a couple reasons:
  1. I'm talkin' to youse guys
  2. Our cats like striking at little dangly bits.
I'm not interested in finding out they jump higher than I expected.
Tomorrow's supposed to be a doozy here in Chicago . . . hottest day of the CENTURY. Oh, sorry, that read year.
Well, that's still pretty damn hot!
Days like tomorrow are days I wish I had a little gold bond powder. But I won't have some, and most of my coworkers will wish I had some, too.

Firefox 3.0 is pretty awesome. If you haven't checked it out yet, you can get it here.
Big bummer so far (all 20 minutes): missing extensions. I'll surf over to LifeHacker eventually and check it out, but I'm like the cobbler who's kids have no shoes; I don't like dealing with upgrading and tinkering with my rig when I'm at home.
When I can screw something up and let that take up my whole day at work, sure! That's what work's for!
But at home? I'd rather be writing/surfing wikipedia/reading the DailyKos/not cleaning my room.

Nothing much else to report - Sylvester likes Andrea more, I can't tell how the rest of them feel. I HOPE THEY LIKE ME BETTER.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Visitor's Locker Room

If you haven't checked them out, perhaps you should.

Semi NSFW . . . just have headphones and you're fine.

Hilarious. - this will be going up on the right hand side of this blog, under links.

Check their website out, check their show out, pass it along to friends who are into sports, comedy, whatever. It's a great radio show.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Another Dead Hero

George Carlin passed away late last night.

People who knew him will say better things about him. Google that stuff.
This is what I've got for him:

piss, shit, cunt, fuck, cock sucker, mother fucker, and tits

Friday, June 20, 2008

Ooooh, Shiny

Lego Death Star

I'm going to put this on our wedding registry.
Or maybe just write a sketch about a guy who does this.

I really really want this, but more importantly, just think how hilarious it would be to watch a fiance (any fiance) look through her registry and see the Lego Death Star.
The fight would be so awesomely great I wouldn't even care when I lose.

And jesus, would I lose that fight.

It won't even be close but hopefully the fight starts when we unwrap it the day after our wedding.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Meet the gang.
This is Sylvester, and his trusty scratchin' post.

This is Lady and Sylvester. Lady Catterly isn't fond of Sylvester

Mostly for his stalking and pouncing on this guy -

This is momma guarding Vlad while he plays.

They're pretty awesome. Feel free to lolcats them up, just let me know if you do.

The most awesome ruling ever

Gay marriage couple freed because one of them was a hermaphrodite.

Ahhh South America.
Your values make me smile!

Being gay - bad!
Marrying the same sex - bad!
But marrying BOTH sexes? GOOD AND SEXY!

My superpowers betray me again

Here's my (often praised, never imitated) Amazing Talent:
I can smell things. I'm super-sensitive towards smells. I could be one of those sommeliers I bet!

OK, maybe not that good.
I'm not good at subtle.

But I can nearly throw up whenever I smell awful things. (like, say a dog having a shit-splosion in a closet)

Or, like this morning, one of our cats apparently gave birth to a live pile of shit, which then was impregnated by another shit in the catbox, which then gave birth to baby shits that smelled so awful that other shits in the other catboxes were arranging a protest and maybe were going to unionize against the new shits that smelled so bad.

Did any of that make sense?
I don't know but I sure did gag a lot this morning.
I had to gag really quietly because I decided it was a present for my beautiful, understanding fiance who must never read this blog post.

We need a cat shit eatin' dog.
Or an infant, I guess. Will they eat cat poo? Child Protective Services probably frowns on that, the nazis.

The worst part about my superpower complex is I "adopt" the smell, and then halllucinate that I smell it on my clothes the rest of the day.
I literally smell cat shit on me.
I know it 's a complex because last week it was:
Monday: cat shit
Tuesday: my own poo (and I CHECKED, none on me or my clothes! Not even a brown streak in the BOXERS OF DHOOM)
Wednesday: wine
Thursday: vomit
Friday: armpit sweat (which might have been legit)

I just "pick up" smells by osmosis and my brain decides "yes, you smell like that".
The only solution is to move somewhere where these smells are acceptable.
France, here I come!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Sunday, June 15, 2008

A tired old subject

Legal drugs killing more than illegal drugs

One of the oldest bits in my repertoire/sack full of magic is a War on Drugs bit. I don't do it very often anymore because it was my closer for basically 2 years and the War on Drugs is extremely well trod ground for a comedian.

War on Drugs is bad, mmmkay?

How many different ways can you spin the topic without sounding like either Bill Hicks, Doug Stanhope, Joe Rogan, or one of another hundred comics?

Comics are pro drug use. Big surprise.

The problem is that comics should still be talking about it. As the modern day court jester, our job is to point out the Emperor Has No Clothes.
OK, technically our job is to be funny.

But this sort of thing has to be kept in the public discussion.
So maybe I dust off the ol' closer and use it tonight as an opener.
Let's see how that goes.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Tim Russert, I Hardly Knew Ye

But thanks for everything.
You'll be missed.

Tom Brokaw's report.

Edit on June 15:
Why did I address Tim Russert in the post above?
He was unable to read this blog at the time of the posting.

one quick thing

Since this just came up in my RSS - Cold Case madness!

Reminded me of this black widow who happened to be white.

you've got your pride. . .

And a blue steel .45 . . .

Tired as hell today. Went to Whiskey Road last night for the open mic run by Adam Burke. A bunch of suits (literally!) showed up, the ringleader looking like the black sheep of the Culkin clan - the one who went into law-doggin' instead of the acting.
It was pretty interesting - there were about 10 of them all from a law office or something, and the group's body language was AWESOME. You could almost see them rolling over on their backs for the alpha dog to snifff their crotch and maybe pee on them.
Hyper-aggressive alpha who got drunk and judged all the comics. Most of the early ones couldn't really crack the room because ringleader was too cool to laugh.
He eventually got kicked out, and the room improved immediately. Six of his buddies were still left, but they became more interested in having a good time and less interested in being "cool".
Which means that the comedians had a better time, which made a better show for the remaining suits and the rest of the audience, and we all enjoyed ourselves.

Love it when people relax and let go of that insincere posturing of cool.

The ringleader stewed outside and in the back; I could see him getting into a fight by the end of the night. I got the stinkeye a couple of times but I think that's because I was hanging out with my fiance (a hottie!) and an old upstairs neighbor of mine (hottest girl in the bar!) so I think it was more about "what's HE doing with THEM".
Narcissism is great isn't it? I bet he was just staring at the beer taps and trying to figure out what to buy.
But it's gotta be ABOUT ME!

The room has really grown up from its humble beginnings about a month or two ago; lots of non-comics and a standing room only back-of-the-room where comics clamber over each other to see new jokes being born.
When I went to the first night, it was all comics but two people in the front row, and it was a boring little clubhouse.

Last night, almost all non-comics in the seats, 20 comics crowding around the back entrance, and the opportunity to just WRECK the place.

It's just so painful to know that I'm at my utter best stone-cold sober or slightly buzzed on alcohol. All of my indulgences are, at the end of the day, detrimental and evil.
I suppose that's why we call them indulgences.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

today on NPR

I learned that 39% of all golfers don't believe in global warming.

That's simply amazing to me.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Introducing. . .

Introducing Lady Catterly.

Her son Vladimir - sorry for the grainy pic - he's always in motion and the iPhone camera doesn't really do motion very well.

This is Sylvester. Named for obvious reasons, and not by me.

As if Vladimir Kitten and Lady Catterly were good names. Those I have to take credit for.
I should have stolen Meowmar Qadaffi from my friends. . .

I think Sylvester should be named Hobbes, and Vlad should be named Calvin.

Here's Sylvester cornering Vlad in the fireplace:

All night long Saturday we heard thump thump thump thump thump BOOM!
Had no idea what it was. I wake up the next morning, and watch Vlad clumsily thump across the living room, oblivious to Sylvester stalking him. Sylvester creeps in for the kill, and sprints the last few feet. Vlad runs away but not in time.

Much fun. Television unnecessary the next few weeks.


The house is currently filled with the pitter patter of little feet.
Well, more like the silent calm of a deadly killer, followed by a flurry of activity and large, loud THUMP noises.

Introductions to follow this afternoon - this is the sort of thing that we need pictures for.

Death by cuteness.

I promise I'll get foul mouthed and ranty at some point in the not too distant future.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

TurboTax Protects My Privacy

And by extension, I suppose, everyone I mail.
I know TurboTax does this because they send me emails crowing about how great they are about once a week.
Once a week.
Really? Do I need to hear from the jerk-wads who do my taxes more than, oh, once per year? Why JUNE?
(as an aside - jerk-wad is a phrase I used for a long time as a kid. Not until I typed it out just now did I really recognize the implications of a wad of jerk. Gross.)

So here's a news item from last year about TurboTax douchebaggery.

I won't do this for every bit of spam I get, since I don't have the time.
But I don't need to hear from TurboTax until Jan 10 or so. Honestly, knowing me, I don't need to hear from them until April 13th when I actually decide to file.
If I decide to file.
I just caught up with 5 years of taxes this past year.
Which is a pretty dumb way to do it because of penalties and the like. I just figured I'd want to give them a lump sum payment after the war in Iraq wrapped up.

So's this blog post. But it's a good way to warm up the creative writing skills. After all, I owe a status report to my superiors today.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Oh and another release

When You Are Engulfed In Flames by David Sedaris is released today.
I think he's my second favorite homosexual writer.

More at the Chicagoist.

Quick hits

releases a new album TODAY. Watershed. I expect it to be totally awesome yet simultaneously hilarious. As a prog-rock death metal band with surprising talent, I can't help but listen to them a little ironically. Anybody who writes a 20 minute death metal love song with the lyrics "your face was like a photograph . . . what does it matter now?" snarled in death metal-ese just can't be taken with 100% seriousness.
They fucking ROCK but you do have to be self-aware that anyone outside of the realms of metal are probably going to laugh and laugh.

That's the cover of the first effort from Baroness. Described by my buddy Tory as "Helmet meets prog rock" . . . these guys fucking wail. AWESOME album.

- the Old 97s most recent effort also came out this year. This is a band that I just have to assume sobered up or found God recently, since I couldn't even make it through the whole god-damn album. Too bad. Check out Too Far To Care or Wreck Your Life for some pretty good early alt-country.

Enough already. This is a poor replacement for