Thursday, July 31, 2008

some words of encouragement

I know some visitors to this site might be a little thrown today.
A poll? Here?
What plans could DBC possibly have for your (non)personal data on antifreeze?

Frankly, I'm not sure. Part of my multi-step plan to become pantsless in the afternoons (outlined yesterday) was fatally flawed.
  1. Withdrawing money from someone else's account is a legal gray area- apparently it can only be done if you're a gym or the IRS. I completely misunderstood ad revenue - it has very little to do with setting up your own fake banking site. While I'm still 100% behind this idea, I can't really just go in and withdraw money until I'm established as a gym. Which means I need to buy some exercise equipment.
  2. The trick isn't just ad revenue, but revenue streams of all kinds! The real money is still in password harvesting, but you should resell those passwords to a larger organization with better lawyers. I'm looking at two organizations currently - Izmailovskaya and the La Costa Nostra. I'd considered some of the web marketing firms and some of the bigger advertising organizations as well, but their business practices strike me as unsavory and possibly unethical, so I'll keep this password re-selling business on the up and up with some foreign nationals.
No wonder there's not a billion billionaires running around pantsless in America - it's hard work figuring out everything that goes into your business plan!
Worse yet, it's distracted me from the main point I wanted to make:
You need to fill out the poll on the right.
I realize some of you might be frightened; there's already three votes and I keep on reassuring you there's only three readers.
It turns out my tireless marketing efforts have been paying off and currently we're sporting 43 readers, most of them visitors from a few porn site aggregators. Let's give a warm welcome to Steve, Mark, Donny, Mabel, and Ron from!
We welcome you and your families.
Fill out the poll and be entered in the sweepstakes for free pornographic emails sent to your inboxes every morning!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

insane in the membranes

So I learned recently that antifreeze is super-sweet. . . sweeter than chocolate. So sweet you have to prevent pets from it or they'll eat it and die horribly.

It also, apparently hurts humans too.

My sad little brain is weird. Much like the voice in my head that chants "jump! jump! jump!" whenever I'm near a building edge, this voice says "try the antifreeze slushie!" over and over.

I bet it's super sweet like Jesus's cum.

Anyway, poll option on the right now so readers can weigh in on their own antifreeze drinking tendencies.


I've talked about how I'm not a fan of the day job before on this blog. This still holds true; if it wasn't for deadlines, customers, and bosses it would be totally awesome but then it would just be me in my underwear surfing the net, occasionally posting on blogs.

So how the hell do I get paid to do that? Not via government grants, I've discovered.

I have been reading a lot of sites about it, and signed up for a whole bunch of newsletters. The big thing you need to Make Money Without Really Putting On Pants is what's called "Ad Revenue". As far as I can tell, when people accidentally misclick on various parts of my blog, they'll be transferred to pages that look an AWFUL LOT LIKE CHASE BANKING, then they'll enter their username and password, which gets sent to me, and then I take out an appropriate amount of money for my advertising efforts.

I know you're all sitting here thinking, "well that sounds trivially easy! How come you haven't quit your day job ALREADY?"

It's a great point you're making, and I agree in spirit. The big stopping points are the following:
I only have three readers according to my comments. That means the odds of you having a Chase account are much lower than if I had a billion readers. I think it's like 33% since there's three of you.
So I have a 33% chance of making incredible ad revenue. But it will only be incredible if YOU keep working and keep restocking my new source of income.
Frankly, all three of you are reading this at work. You seem lazy to me, and shiftless. There's a high likelihood you're going to be fired or demoted soon (if it hasn't happened already) and then my source of revenue would be gone.

So thanks a lot, jerks, I guess I won't be having kids or buying nice things.

That's where we are right now. I can sit here steaming in resentment at your lack of ambition and a Chase Bank Account, or I can attempt to increase my readership with the other techniques found in How To Make Money Without Pants.

There's two Major Tricks:
  1. Focus your site - it can't all be about nothing like mine is. OK technically this could be considered a kitty blog but that's horrifying to contemplate. I'm not an overweight 40something divorcee, I'm a hilarious fat guy.
  2. Make your site "sticky" - I have no idea what this means but he mentioned message boards. I guess to post pornography on or something, it was really unclear. If it's just keeping someone on your site, why don't I just helpfully change their homepage without their permission, and keep popping it up in a new window whenever they attempt to close it? The technology exists, there's no reason for users to accidentally navigate away from your site when you can help stop that!

Expect some awesome changes in the upcoming months, and please do me a favor and switch your accounts to Chase Online Banking for the added convenience to all of us.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

don't think twice, it's alright

The person I'd earmarked as the Ideal Reader has complained about too many writings about cats, and put in a request for some analysis of the new Dead Sea scrolls and the implications of the Jewish religion and, by extension, Christianity and the Council of Nicea.

That guy's a boring douche, don't you think?! I mean, THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS? INSTEAD OF KITTIES?!

He's fucking fired and I've put a contract out on his children's life.
It was pretty cool - he doesn't have any kids yet so it was sort of like buying pork belly futures made of sadness and tragedy.

None of my bosses are in the office today. Neither is my primary coworker. She's on vacation which sounds suspicious to me. . . why didn't she take a Staycation like the rest of 'Murika?

The fiance and I are so patriotic we're taking a Staycation for our honeymoon!
Plus the plane tickets were ridiculously priced for anything in Europe. Taking that money and spending half of it on drugs was a much better idea, one that I was able to get behind 100% and will be a great surprise for Andrea after the wedding.

Monday, July 28, 2008

I need the "ideal reader"

I just read a piece about Vonnegut on writing; it was paraphrased from an actual Vonnegut interview I believe, so I'm getting the telephone game effect.
He said something, then the writer of the article repeated what he thought he heard, and then I heard I'm great and don't need to work on improving my writing because I'm a god-damn genius.

In the comments there were other tips - Orwell's advice on writing, suggestions to die in a fire, and one unattributed suggestion: "Always write for just one person."
I think the advice actually spawns from Stephen King, in On Writing. His ideal writer was Tabitha, if I remember right.

So, I have to figure out who that should be in my world.
One argument could be, "oooh make it your fiance!" but it feels a lot more fun to act all passive aggressive, shit-talkin', and generally mythologizing the fiance into a pseudo-battle-axe that I (the hero) need to thwart.
She'd be annoyed if she was aware I wrote about her in such terms.
Fortunately she reads basically nothing but the NY Times and the Economist. So while she's super-informed about the world, she doesn't know her own fiance's evil plans of Empire.

My father would suggest making it the head of my HR department at work so I never post anything awkward or incriminating. That's no fun either.
Vonnegut's first tip on writing is (to paraphrase) make sure you sound like yourself. I am awkward and incriminating. Why should I try and suppress that?

Maybe I'm enough of a narcissist to say "I'm writing for ME" and mean it - I could pleasure myself to witty turns of phrase that I steal from ee cummings and the like, and generally be very self satisfied. The flaw here is I'm already an insufferable human being filled with too much pride over tiny accomplishments. Writing for myself could cause my ego to finally reach critical mass, collapse into a black hole, and end the universe quicker than the new super colliders.

At last count there's three people that read this blog, according to comments.
While all three of you are great and have excellent taste in writers, I question your strength of character to hold up to the brutal criticism I've been spreading about all of you behind your backs.
Because eventually, as the Ideal Reader, you will be mercilessly beaten for my lack of success.

Vladimir came into bed at 5:30 AM this morning to play and be petted. If it was Sunday, that's one thing. Monday morning, stealing my last 45 minutes of sleep? I hate him. BUT HE'S SO CUTE! He was flopping his body around on my hand/arm to pet himself, purring like mad and being all affectionate and loving.
It's going to be tough to put him to sleep for waking me up, but there are signs posted all over the house at kitty height indicating the rules.
Some of you (3) are probably saying, "yeah but he probably can't even read English!" That's why the signs are bilingual, dumb-ass.
And if he's completely illiterate, then it's really the parents' fault and not mine.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Sunday, sunday, sunday

Just mowed the lawn, raked all the grass, and emptied the dishwasher.
Suddenly I realized I too could be in the army, doing more before eight AM than anybody else in your house does all day.

I got kicked out of bed at 7 AM.
Vlad was being SO CUTE this morning, jumping around on the bed, so naturally I began playing with him. I'd stick my hand under the covers and wiggle the fingers, and he'd pounce. He'd then want to be petted, and purr like crazy, then want to play some more. So it went on for about ten minutes before Andrea turned into this:

Apparently I sleep like a log. Andrea tells me Vlad's been playing on the bed all night and she hasn't gotten any sleep, and at one point she grabbed his toy out of his mouth and threw it across the room.
Which was her biggest mistake because I've been teaching Vlad "fetch" for the last month for no good reason. But now I had a great one. To thwart Andrea's sleep! Then, when she's really sleep deprived, I'll get her to sign stuff. That'll show her for kicking me out of bed - enjoy your BMG Records Club subscription and your Tiger Beat magazine, Andrea.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Whoah it's been a week already

I apparently don't learn from my mistakes. For the second time running I've given myself an infection of a wound by jabbing it with a thumbtack.
Last summer at Bonnaroo I got really bad blisters/excema and then jabbed them with a thumbtack, and promptly went down with a bad infection.

Last week I got a pimple/bite thingie on my arm, and rather than peroxide and leave it well enough alone, I jabbed it with a thumbtack.

I mean, WHY

It's not like I have a stack of sterile thumbtacks; I pulled it out of a cork board and stuck it into my arm. I'm completely disgusting.

So anyway, guess what happened THIS TIME? Super powers? I'm now half human/half thumbtack? The Tack?
You guessed it:
Except this time it might be MRSA; that's the fear. I think we're through the woods on that one though; the redness all around it has faded a fair amount and the wound is pretty small.
I don't think it's MRSA but when the doctors are all serious about it, I should be too. But I didn't tell him about the thumb tack jabbing thing.
Which is the most obtuse thing.
Hi doctor. I'd like you to treat this but I'm going to tell you strictly about the one time I was with a prostitute, but ignore the night after night bouts of bestiality and expect you to diagnose me with sheep syphilis.

I'm a moron of epic proportions.
It's classic drug seeking behavior, and I'm doctor shopping to get my hands on the best antibiotics I can.
Vicodin? Who cares! I want me some metha-amphetacillin!

Friday, July 18, 2008


Pitchfork this weekend.
Public Enemy, Sebadoh, Animal Collective, Dinosaur Jr, need I say more?

Oh yeah, thunderstorms. Hopefully the Pitchfork staff's not as bad as contractors in Iraq or we could see some tragic last performances.

I vote for Vampire Weekend. They'll get to go out on a high note and not have a horrible second album, ruining their first effort.
Chevelle was like that, they went from "pretty decent band" on Point #1, to gigantic bag of suck on album 2, the one with Send the Pain Below or whatever that was.
Grow some balls for fuck's sake.
Send the pain below? Get a fucking pan flute, give up the double bass, and get out of a drop D tuning. This is pop crap a la Blink 182, and you're just trying to sneak it by us via heavy sound. You suck and your lyrics suck.

Wow. That was some anger for a has-been band.

There's a bunch more music at Pitchfork that will allow me to go "oh yeah, I saw them" in a couple years when a few of them blow up. I probably won't remember them nor remember seeing them, but I'll take credit.

What do we have to do to get good weather on weekends when I'm doing something? Bribe some official in charge of the weather control devices? Go to church? Human sacrifice?
I can't do any of those.
Held down by the weather controllin' man again.

This is bullshit.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

hi from Vista

This is me using Vista.

I bought a new computer because I really really wanted to play this one game in all its glory.

The game doesn't work.

Waiting on new drivers and stewing.

But who gives a shit about that? JibJab's got a new video!!!

JibJab - Time for Some Campaignin'

Friday, July 11, 2008

idle speculation

A real brief thought:
I wish Primus's Les Claypool and Faith No More's Michael Patton would get together and form a band.

I don't have anything fantastically clever to say about it - I was listening to "The Air Is Getting Slippery" and thinking about Mr Bungle's crazy stuff. They both have echoes of Frank Zappa in their collected works, and the combination could be some sort of crazy Zappa-esque nuclear explosion.

And boy, would it sound ugly.

Other news: FISA was signed into law. Naturally it happened when both The Daily Show and the Colbert Report were off. It's hard not to lose all hope without their comedic cynicism to buoy me past the despair.
It's tough to be gung-ho about Obama right now. I keep reminding myself Lincoln suspended Habeas Corpus, and the Alien And Sedition Acts were brought into being by one of the Founders of this Grand Experiment.
But it still feels like I was just cornered in the Laundry Room in Shawshank.

I gots a new computar! It's HUGE with like FOUR fans, and it GLOWS.
I haven't installed the vagina peripheral but as soon as I do I'll make sweet love to its Vista-run internals.
One thing that should be noted here:
I could have paid the money for an Apple computer. I opted to not because of the iPhone debacle last year. Dropping the price within 8 weeks just says "I think you're stupid" to all of the early adopters. Didn't want to pay Apple the money for the privilege again.
My buddy Francis just got the new one, though. I'm a bit jealous.

MY iPhone just fired up "Here Come The Bastards" by Primus. How fantastically coincidental.

Friday, July 4, 2008

why patriotism?

Perfect timing - the Fourth.
Since it's topical and can't be used again really, this is what I opened with:

"So Independence Day! Big plans? I'm going waterboarding!"
And then some other crap that weakened a very succinct joke.
A fellow comic gave me a note years ago - my jokes tend to go HA HA to "kinda clever" the longer they get.
Greed, though, greed.

So here's what I just read in the Times: "(A new CNN poll shows that a quarter of registered voters say Obama lacks patriotism.)"
What is patriotism really? Presidential campaigns bum me out. You watch someone with genuine vision (maybe?) and that intangible change element (B.Clinton had it) and you'll win an election or two.
It's just funny how fast the sell-out for power happens. I guess we don't deserve any better; he came up through the Daley political machine and succeeded. That takes charisma, testicular fortitude, and a little snake oil to grease the wheels.
His shift on FISA is infuriating. My guess is this happened:
FISA is stalled to hell in the House. Impasse.
Webb's GI bill and the new Iraq funding bill are stalled in the House as well; the benefits are way too good for people leaving the military so veterans like McCain didn't show up to vote.
Someone (incredibly evil) pitches this to a few of the "centrist" (read: fascist tendencies) democrats: "We'll pass your Webb bill and even pull some strings so Bush doesn't veto it. In return, you give us the FISA bill with retroactive immunity."
And to a lot of the shit-bag democrats who have telecoms feeding them money to fuel their incumbent defense, that deal sounds pretty good. You get to sound "for the troops" and sneak through something your lobbyists/corporate types want badly (as civil suits are the only thing Bush can't pardon). Win-win.
Except, by the time the pragmatist "for the troops" moral cowards had expected the bill to slip through the Senate, Chris Dodd and Russ Feingold worked on delaying tactics in the Senate to prevent the bill passing prior to the Fourth.

So here's what the Democrats CAN do in the Senate:
they can fuck the shitbag MINORITY criminal thief party of Republicans right in the mouth.
They shut down this bill from passing, guess what - Bush already signed the troops bill into law.
What's the worst that happens, the whole House/Senate split into distrust and get nothing done until the new Congress in 2009?
Keep those fuckers bound and gagged. Every time they sign a "supportin' the troops by keeping them in Iraq" appropriations bill, they put more of our boys in harm's way for a government that's going to willingly annex itself to Iran. How are you going to stop that, by leaning on Iran and threatening war?
Tie them up.
Let no additional money be spent (unless on highways to Alaskan islands or tube socks) by this Congress.
Give us a sympathetic President Obama.
Get real, sensible policies into place.

But most importantly: the Dems should reneg on any sort of "deal" to get Webb's bill through. They thought they could trade FISA? Great! We betray you, make it an issue in your campaign. Maybe something like:
"Do you believe in unlawful searches and seizures? Well the Senate Democrats didn't! Without shredding the fourth amendment, the terrorists might win!

Here's the deal:
there's a lot to be critical of our country about. Blind faith/patriotism whatever you want to call it is jingoistic horseshit.
Our civic duty is to attempt to improve America; flag pins and overt "clap your hands if you like pledging allegiance to some sort of deified inanimate object that we'd sacrifice virgins to if we had any virgins left in America" bullshit deserves to be called out as what it is: bullshit.
He's running for president on non-lobbyist money (sorta) on a change/transparency platform.
That's pretty damn patriotic in and of itself. The only question you really have to ask yourself isn't "is he patriotic enough" or even (dare I say it) "is he white/black enough?" (cause he's both! CHECKMATE!)
The real question is: "Do I trust him to attempt to enact the policies and change he promises and represents?"

That's the question we have to answer.
Really, that's the wrong tense.
That's the question we had to answer in the primary.
I hope we were right.
I really really hope we were right.
But I could give a flying fuck about his flag pin.