Thursday, October 30, 2008

I just started blowing my nose recently

This is a pretty gross blog, I'll bet, so I'm warning you in advance.
It's the sort of revelation my wife has been dealing with regularly since we started dating - the casual admission by yours truly that shocks and horrifies most "normal" people.

Before we were dating, I never used soap in the shower. Shampoo all the way! I was honestly surprised that that bothered her, and how much it did. I think that was the moment she decided to marry me. It was either that or dump me, go to a doctor, and see if they could get the smell off.
(WHICH THEY COULDN'T I BET)

Similarly to the whole "soap incident", I never ever used tissue except as a hygenic substitute for "under some furniture" - insert finger, swirl around, pull out (GENTLY or you can really injure yourself with shrapnel) examine contents, place on tissue/under chair.

When I have a cold, I do the regular *snnnnork* thing to clear it out, which results in a slightly salty tasty treat.

These habits have been heavily straining the marital bliss. Not the booger excavations, she didn't know about that. (though chances are one of you jerks are going to tell her now. THANKS A LOT)
The *snooooorrrkk*ing has been driving her batty.
She's been pressuring me pretty hard to blow my nose in lieu of the snork. What I've found since starting this is not only is it easy to do, it's a much more efficient booger clearing device than prodding around with a finger.

Just a big *brwaaaaaaap* and you have a treat basket attached to a wafer-thin paper. Wad it up and BAM! you're done.

I think that qualifies me to live in the 20th century, now. It's good to be here, I hear there's all-in-one soap and shampoo now.

(there is, it's called Old Spice, and it actually triggers my eczema pretty badly. This is a huge problem exacerbated by my fastidiuous ball-washing-with-shampoo habits)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

For the second time in three weeks

My wife has managed to chop up a jalapeno pepper, then touch her face-parts prior to washing up.

Three weeks ago she rubbed the inside of her left eye, and immediately inflamed it and leaked tears for the rest of the night.

Tonight, making the same dish, she blew her nose. She looks like a pretty W.C. Fields.

But better than that, I finally got my company's 10 page missive on why "Our Future Is At Stake" due to the upcoming election. Nutshell version - blacks are scary socialists and won't drill for oil.
I feel like my employer officially declared war on me with this thing.

The annoying part? It's mostly lies and misrepresentations of reality. Take the worst of the Republican talking points (some discredited) and paste them together in a set of letters, and you've got my company's policy statement, I guess.

I like this. I'm secretly in rebellion now; whenever it appears I'm being lazy and hungover, I'm actually exercising sabotage for le Resistance!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Chicago Lincoln Lodge Appearance Available OnDemand

If you're in the Chicago area, my appearance at the Lincoln Lodge in August is now available!
Comcast OnDemand --> Local --> Comedy Open Mic (or maybe it's Comcast Open Mic)

I have no idea how much was cut/bleeped because Comcast is an awful company and nobody in their right mind would be a customer if there were any viable alternatives.

Comcastic!

(working out the rights to posting it to YouTube; I may get it online yet)

Monday, October 27, 2008

A Comedy Tip

When writing a joke where the punchline will be a cat food named "Kitty Farts A Lot",  the set-up should avoid gratuitous references to shit.

It's like eating a huge steak dinner and having yams for dessert. It's incongruous. You need to follow up steak with creme brule, bitches.

And you should probably rethink the whole stupid joke if your punchline is analogous to yams.

Though I'm almost 100% positive "Kitty Farts A Lot" is gold with the Jean Teasdale set.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I'm sorry Jebus

I purchased Warhammer: Age of Reckoning last week.
Hence the lack of posts. I decided to be a dwarf instead of a naked elf chick.

Well, first I went with a Witch Hunter because that sounds like a MILF hunter. But he was kind of boring because I kind of sucked. I spent most of the game staring at "Respawning in ## seconds . . . " and wondering why I was planning on paying a monthly fee.

That's right, it's a game that makes you keep on paying after you spent $50 on it. Brilliant model if you can find assholes willing to support it. And I am one of those assholes!

I've been killing orcs for days, and neglecting my projects.
And lord, it's been fun.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

The politics of guilt by association

Just because it's all over the news on both sides of the aisle: this "guilt by association" hoo-hah is stupid and has to stop.
Both sides are guilty - Palin complaining about Ayers, and the left (though not Obama's campaign directly) complaining about Palin's ties to that wackadoodle preacher who exorcised the demons of adultery from her.

We're seeing it in downticket races too. . . but who gives a shit?

Primarily if you're in Congress - if you're in Congress, there's over 500 other assholes you work with directly. Many of them are vile scum. Here are some of the assholes that your congresscritter associates with/is on a daily basis.
Who gives a shit about preachers?

It's a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

October Ain't Shapin' up

Been tough to write a lot this month. Sorry my casual/faithful readers.

Time is the enemy. You never realize it in your twenties - you got shits to dos on a pretty regular basis, but filling your evenings with bullshit (say, World of Warcraft) is easy and you don't really get flustered. There's never a "Shit, there's NO TIME to do this!" moment in your twenties.

Alcohol + casual drug use + video games was really the sum of my existence. And comedy, but even that was a casual "I'll write if I feel like it. I'm gonna be HUGE!"

Nowadays, though . . . . man. A wife with a ticking biological clock, a career I'm not fond of but has stability and makes me a "provider", and a million hobbies/interests. Stand-up, writing, nerd-like software development (in my SPARE TIME. . . I'm a goon!), Secret Projects . . . where the hell am I going to fit in video games?!
Particularly with stuff like Warhammer: Age of Reckoning.
If there's one thing the Brits do a million times better than Americans, it's gritty dark fantasy. America was founded on Puritan Principles - while most of the founders were deists/atheists/not Christians, a significant amount of American then and now are Jesus-lovers.
So it makes a lot of the games industry here prudish when it comes to fantasy scenarios. As of Dungeons and Dragons 3.0, there was no longer references to Demons (Chaotic Evil) and Devils (Lawful Evil) and Daemons (Neutral Evil) . . . they instead became weird names that nobody gives a shit about nor remembers. It was a marketing decision - don't incorporate Christian theology into the game.
Not even Christian theology, really, I think it was primarily Catholic stuff that was invented by popes and the like. Asmodeus (King of the Devils), Be'elzebub (Lord of the Flies, once Lord of the Devils as Ba'alzebub), Betelgeuse, Hannah Montana. . . all of these monsters are gone.

But WARHAMMER - they not only invented their own, they made them fucking EVIL. I mean, ridiculously awful evil Gods of Chaos - Khorne: god of Blood and War, Sla'anesh: God(dess) of pleasure, Nurgle: god of Pestilence and Decay. . . . these guys are Not Fucking Around. (Except Sla'anesh, she'll fuck you to death or insanity. Sort of sexy.)

And now, with Warhammer Age of Reckoning, you can either fight the disciples of Chaos or become one and join in the battle!
And unlike the table-top game, it won't cost thousands of dollars!

There's not enough exclamation points to express my excitement. I give it 5 nerd boners.
But here's the rub - I don't have time to play this.

I wish I loved my job, and hated comedy. That would open up a world of time to be a slug; help the wife around the house an hour a night and play Warhammer the other 4 hours before bed.

But it doesn't work that way. . . bottom line is I'm not complacent right now, and need to find The Thing that makes me want to wake up every morning and WORK. More accurately, I have to convince people to pay me for the things I want to wake up to every morning. I already know what I want to do. I just have to figure out a way to make scads of cash doing it.

Maybe a Blowjobs and Jokes Comedy Show. But I probably can't get a bunch of people to blow me while I tell them jokes. Not for a cover-charge, anyway. And I'M not handing out blowjobs willy-nilly; my doc says I have to watch my sodium intake.

Side note - November is shaping up to be a busy month. The week of November 13th has me performing in multiple shows around the city for pay.
13/14 at the Lodge, the 15th at the Cornservatory opening for the Accountants of Homeland Security. If you're in Chicago I'd love for you to stop by one of the shows.
(and a week from Monday I'll be appearing at Ginger's Ale House. . . so hit up that one too if you'd like)

Monday, October 6, 2008

Chewed Up

Chewed Up, Louis CK's new special, came out Saturday night.
That interview with Dead Frog is interesting, and not the least because my feelings about Bob Kelly are 100% the same as his, without ever witnessing the "real" moment. He's laaaaaame.

Anyhow. More later perhaps.
If you know of secret places this new special might be hiding (say, a torrent) let me know in the comments.

Friday, October 3, 2008

A few quick hits

  • The Cubbies are melting down like I predicted they would. The schadenfreude is palpable. I fucking LOVE the Cubs for this; it makes the Mets meltdown all the more tasty. I'm like that guy in Hannibal - the one who makes kids cry and then makes martinis from their tears. The Cubs bombing out in a sweep tomorrow night in LA will be my martini made of Chicago's tears.
  • I saw the most hilarious accident yesterday. Driving down Western, it's slow and crowded. I'm easing up a bit just in case the light goes yellow, to avoid "blocking the box" (which sounds like what my friends used to do to me at bars). This douche-nozzle in an Audi zips into the right turn lane to get around me. Normally I pull the hit move of "accelerate and shut him out" but there wasn't enough room to do it safely - the car in front of me was about one car length ahead. I made the right call - this idiot zips into the gap ahead of me and promptly rams into the car ahead of him in a spectacularly stupid rear-end fender bender. I laughed my ass off, and as I crawled by in the traffic, I rolled down my window and yelled, "Serves you right for driving like an asshole!"
  • Speaking of "blocking the box" - fucking suburban Cubs fans had better learn to NOT do this or I'm going to start hurling bricks. I sat at the exit on Western for 4 light cycles last night because every time the light turned green, there were 5 or six cars sprawled across the intersection ashamed to make eye contact with me or my middle finger. I fantasized about punching every single one of them with brass knuckles until they looked like the Angel Face from Fight Club.
  • There's a new phenomenon with bookers of showcases in Chicago it seems - rather than a polite "you're not right for our show" or "sorry, we're booked" they just ignore your request for information. Way to act just like a 17 year old chick too afraid of confrontation. Their room, their rules, no entitlement here, but act like a fucking adult.
  • Please ignore the previous bullet point, because I never act like an adult and haven't given any of them nearly enough time to get back to me. Aren't I a fucking professional? (answer: no)
  • I finally have a "professional" website up with fancy-ass placeholder and everything. I'm going to teach myself PHP! www.johnbarrytech.com
  • Also, http://www.chicagostandup.net - the first Secret Project I've worked on. It's a wiki combined with google calendar right now, and I'm hoping to add some mapping mashup functionality and automated housecleaning scripts for it. Mostly just ways for me to mess around with PHP and Google Tools, making my nerd skillset a little more rounded. Also, I hope (transparently) that it gets me additional bookings.
Have a good weekend kids, I have to take a dump.