Friday, December 11, 2009

Probing Questions

Days like these, I wish I'd eaten an apple a day.

The doctor's waiting room. I'm here for a colonoscopy after some scary blood on toilet paper in november.
Nosebleeds are a nuisance, assbleeds are "I don't care what my insurance is, someone needs to look up my rectum."
I don't know what the guy before me is having done, all I know is either the doctor keeps groaning and gagging really loud or the patient is. I'm not sure which would be worse.
It conjured a hilarious image in my head though; a proctologist who just can't stand the smell of fecal matter. Gags through every patient examination, retching into a bucket. . . seems hilarious.
Then I hear: "Unnnnnnnnngghhhhhhhh oh jesus."
Please god say that's not a colonoscopy.

I'm sitting in a doctor's office wearing an Opeth t-shirt, socks, and a hospital gown. It's cold today in Chicago; the heaters throughout the city aren't turning off anywhere, and the greedy air outside claws at the windows leaving fingerprints of frost. Heat flows out of everywhere like a sieve. It's freezing and I'm almost naked.

The nurse comes in and tapes up the preparation for the IV. They drug me up in the next room ("Lie on your side and face the wall") and I lay back, waiting for sleep to claim me.
When the doctor said, "we're going to put you under," I always assumed that means they're knocking me out.
When I felt the tube being inserted into my butt, I had to ask.
"Hey, aren't I supposed to be unconcious?"
"Does it hurt?"
It didn't hurt anything but my chances of surviving prison, which is probably a joke he'd heard before so I didn't say it out loud.
Queue, "All By Myself" by Celene Dion, me staring at a wall with a hose in my ass connected to the machine that goes "Ping" for 20 minutes.

The worst is the farting, or more accurately, sharting. Do it over the toilet or sport a topographical map of Indonesia in your boxers.
I'm allowed to eat again after a 30+ hour fast. Over Easy was delicious, and the owner John sent some Tiramisu French Toast our way. Quite nice.

Good news is there's nothing dangerous going on there; some embarrassing things but nothing to be too worried about. Not the day off that I'd planned, but the anaesthesia is pretty awesome so I'm going to go get into a first person shooter and pretend to be a morphine addicted teammate. I'll just follow one of the medics around shouting "Morphine!" until they kick me.

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