Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Sometimes the bar eats you

Said at work this week, in hyperbole: "If I could only do X all day, I'd be a happy camper!"
Boss grins widely: "I'll be right back, I have another project for you!"

In this case, X was bash scripting. But it could have been anything; I was asking for trouble.

Even if it's something lots of fun, there's some aspect of it that's horrible.
"If I could only write purchase orders all day, I'd be a happy camper!"
Boss: "Great, because we need these individually cut, one per box of paper clips. We can't automate it because you need to increment this flyer with the number of paperclips in the PO"

"If I could just write jokes all day, I'd be a happy camper!"
Boss: "Great, we need you to write all the quips for these America's Funniest Home Videos. Make sure they're hilarious, but PG rated!"

"If I could just get blowjobs all day, I'd be a happy camper!"
Boss: "John, meet Michael."

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Free Samples!

Here's the set I performed last August for Comcast OnDemand. It says Open Mic but it's really a showcase where all I had to do was bring 5 people and pay $30 to get my DVD!!!

My first TV credit was the equivalent of losing my virginity via gang rape. Enjoy.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Check it out - TwitterFeed

JSpector on Twitter linked to an URL about getting "people who matter to follow you" on Twitter. I don't really care much for that sort of thing.
I really don't get Twitter - it's stupid and trivial.
But if I don't set an example of entertaining things that are stupid and trivial, nobody would follow my lead and my blog would have ZERO readers instead of 3.

Anyway, there's a helluva gem in this article:
Twitterfeed.com

With twitterfeed, you can set up your twitter (and other) accounts to monitor your blog's RSS feed, so when you post to your blog it adds a new tweet with the link to the blog post automagically.
This solves the whole problem of "how do I let facebook people know I write blogs, without annoying the shit out of them?" Ok, it doesn't really solve that problem since it still annoys the shit out of them, but it doesn't force ME to do anything extra, therefore NOT annoying the shit out of me.

I swear too much.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Disposable Lens Wipes

I use disposable lens wipes to clean my glasses at work; I bought a 30 pack to give them a month or two ago, and use a couple a week to keep my glasses clean.

They're pretty cool - kind of like a wet nap for your filthy lenses. The downside is you really need a lens rag to wipe up after them, or you get a bit of streaking.

But really, who gives a shit if they're effective? The real key is that any time I open one of them up, the fumes hit me and I can't help of thinking about ether.
There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge. - Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)
If that's not a ringing endorsement. . .

So every morning I open one of these up to clean my glasses, I just want to bury my face in it and breathe deep. The only thing that stops me is the fact that there's no "if you concentrate and inhale these contents you may die" warning anywhere on the packaging. (Pro tip: That's how you can tell if an inhalant will work - shitloads of warnings against it. It will get you REALLY HIGH if it's got warnings. Or it will melt your lungs and you'll drown in your own blood. Don't say I didn't warn you.)
So far I've resisted since inhaling isopropyl alcohol doesn't seem to be something to really get you off. But god damn I need something to get me through the days at work in these troubled times.

Currently the way I'm getting through is with Black Mountain's In The Future. It'll have to do until I can smuggle in a jar of ether and some rags.