Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Good news everyone!

More potential employers researching you on the web

In case any future employers (or, hell, current) come a sniffin' around here:
This is a Comedy Blog.
Chances are you disagree with almost everything in it.

What you should marvel at is my communications skills, my flair for analogy ( e.g. ), and the amazing job I do hiding my racist viewpoints.
I could hide those viewpoints at your business if you'd like.
I'm also good at pushing broads around.

Please post any job openings in the comments.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Withdrawal Symptoms

Wife's out of town for business.
This means I'm fending for myself with food; this isn't a big deal. I'm not completely helpless without my wife.

I can procure food. Hell, I even know how to make stuff.
Normally Andrea's judging my diet, and forcing me to eat far more vegetables than somebody with incisors was ever meant to eat. So things don't get too out of control.
But she's gone, so they did.
Sunday I woke up, and ate a bowl of frosted shredded wheat. It was delicious, so I had a second.
3 or 4 hours later, it was time for lunch.
The cereal at breakfast was so delicious, I went for it again. More shredded wheat.

Since I woke up at 7 AM, it was only noon before I'd had 3+ bowls.
I was hungry again at 2. Since I thought I was eating lasagna around 8, I figured I should carbo load with some more cereal. This time I went for the maple-pecan granola. I think it's only supposed to garnish cupcakes or something, because it was more like gruel when I added milk.
Delicious, delicious gruel.

Around 5 PM I found out the lasagna plan was a bust, so I had to get more food at 7.
For some reason, I decided beer (with live yeast) and Little Caesar's Crazy Bread was a good capstone to the day's festivities.

My digestive system appreciated this sort of treatment so much that it woke me up at 3 in the morning, gurgling with delight.
I ate 8 tums from 3 to 5 am, to no avail.
At 5 I was sitting on the toilet. I sounded like some sort of hellish bagpipe, mostly air and a little spittle. I didn't know at the time, but a lightning storm was going on over the lake, and causing flickers through the bathroom skylight. It was really subtle.
Between the dump and the flickering light I kept seeing at the corners of my vision, I was certain I'd crapped myself an aneurysm.

The only thing you can do after something like that is take a shower with towels you plan on throwing away.
So I showered up and went to work, still gurgling.
(Don't worry though, I ate well today. Oatmeal and Chipotle burrito)

Tonight I expect more tortured cries from my body, and maybe an endocrine failure.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Sunday Afternoons

Douglas Adams expressed it best through Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged.

Not much more to say. Monday's creeping up, waiting like a grue for night to fall.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

An Onion Brief that Pays Off

Area Man Does Stuff - normally briefs are a great punchline and a mildly amusing story. This one pays off all the way. I offer kudos, Onion Writers.